A Bicultural Boy in Search of an Identity

Surrounded by my close friends and family, I observe the interactions and silently listen to the conversations. The laughter, joy and love fills the room. Yet at this moment I felt frighteningly alone. Not physically but emotionally and psychologically. It was like I was in a parallel universe, the present is passing by and I am watching it from afar. I don’t want to project my emotions onto anyone, even if the room is filled with loved ones. The alternative, put a mask on. Bury the pain and bring to surface an avatar, because vulnerability is a weakness. If I can pretend long enough, things will go back to normal. Normal? Little did I know what the new norm would be. The norm was now constant anxiety, isolation and ultimately a deep depressive state. The harder I attempted to fight these “symptoms'' the more prominent they became. I felt like I was in a tunnel and the faster I ran towards the light, the smaller it was getting. The light is fading, the darkness is taking over and I can't breathe. See that’s the thing with depression, the signs aren’t always visible. So much so, I couldn’t recognize them myself. 

An American Born South Asian Boy

As a young child you would have seen me bouncing off walls, climbing my uncle, pestering my little sister (just wanted some love). I was this happy go lucky, carefree, goofy child. Being second generation Gujarati, we were raised with a heavy influence of traditional values and culture. Family is everything, school is our highest priority, at home you contribute to daily house chores and of course to live your life in a manner the Indian community approves. My parents had a vision of how my life would look, all I had to do was follow the blueprint. Sounds simple enough. 

I grew up in Roselle, NJ, had a diverse group of friends and went to a Catholic school up until sophomore year of high school. I was the only Indian kid in my class. Young naive me didn’t really comprehend the difficulty maintaining my Indian culture while integrating into a predominately Caucasian community. Having to meet my parents expectations while I attempt to create my own identity. It was picture day at school and I got into an argument with my dad over my hairstyle. Apparently the way it was styled did not resemble the look I was expected to have. I couldn’t have earrings or wear baggy jeans. My hat couldn’t be backwards. At home I was Indian and outside the house I was American. Two very different cultures, each with their unique attributes requiring their own personas.  I cherish being bicultural, my beliefs, traditions and values are influenced by both Indian and American cultures. The challenge growing up though was I often felt misplaced in one or both social settings.  I was either Indian, American, both or neither.  At home we were taught to be strong, keep your head down, focus on school and work hard. The immigrant work ethic passed along from my parents who came here with absolutely nothing. My mom who grew up poor, sacrificed college so she can come to America with my grandfather for a chance at a better life. With the incredible work ethic, determination and perseverance comes tough love. My parents loved us more than anything in the world. We were taught to follow, their opinions and views were the law, and we were not allowed to question things. This played heavily into the lack of communication. Struggled with expressing my emotions, feelings, and challenges. From a very young age I began to bottle my frustrations and any emotion that surfaced, I suppressed it. When I was in the 5th grade, my curfew from playing outside was 6 pm. I came in 15 minutes late and therefore my punishment was the one thing I loved and was so passionate about, basketball, was taken away for something so minute. I was not able to play in a pretty important game, one that I had circled on my calendar for quite some time. Bottle the anger, the pain and over time you unconsciously build resentment. No channel at home to talk about my feelings and in addition society tells you men don’t show emotions and vulnerability, because that’s a weakness. 

The Indian Community, A Double Edge Sword 

We were heavily involved in Swadhyaya, a religious group which aspires to incorporate the teachings from the Bhagvad Gita into practical and daily life. It allowed me to stay in touch with my culture, form lifelong friendships and provided a sense of community. On the flip side the expectations on how one is expected to live their life was yet again a common theme. If you were not dedicating 100% of your time to Swadhyaya activities and functions, if you drank alcohol or ate meat, you were judged. You quickly felt like you were doing something wrong and the way you wanted to live your life didn’t live up to the standards. It’s evident now the potential for self-negligence, but as a child I could not comprehend how detrimental it truly was. The inability to develop an identity, nurture beliefs and thoughts, and a constant pursuit of appeasing others.

Balance is the Key

Over time in an attempt to meet these expectations and conform to the societal pressures you lose yourself. It begins to feel like your life is being narrated by others and you are anxiously watching it unfold. My mom often said “Live your life for others.” A guiding principle for my daily life. The key is balance, unconditional love and compassion for others while maintaining your identity in pursuit of personal happiness. The balance is where I struggled, what I wanted always played second fiddle. Appease the family, friends, partner - how and when do I prioritize myself? 

Before you can help others you have to prioritize yourself physically, mentally and emotionally. I constantly remind myself I am a work in progress but I strive to be 1% better than I was yesterday. Reiterating the prerequisite -  Love yourself first, then spread that love and kindness within your means. 

Stronger Together

From the bottom of my heart I believe that as human beings we are fundamentally compassionate and loving. Aspire to live a selfless life and make the lives around us better in any capacity we can. In college I remember my best friend and I having these grand aspirations, when we have the financial means we will build hospitals and schools in India. Such a misconception that we can make an impact only when we have capital. On a smaller scale spreading kindness and love can uplift those around us. As human beings we desire authentic interactions and the ability to genuinely connect with others. The other day I was stressed, didn't feel well and frustrated with work. The guy at the gym counter sparked a conversation when I walked in. At 6 AM I focus on getting in and out so I can start my day. He asked me a genuine question, was kind and I left with a smile. That 2 minute conversation felt like a weight had been lifted. We get caught up in the routine and often fail to be present. The interactions and authentic connections are what help alleviate the sense of hopelessness and loneliness. We are on this journey together and one thing that is evident is the energy you put out will in fact make its way back to you.